Kentucky drivers are the dumbest drivers in the world.
Driving in and around Louisville is way too stressful. Most drivers lack situational awareness and put themselves in a situation where they’re holding up traffic and won’t let you pass. And even worse, they realize at the last minute where they are and suddenly swerve, making themselves a danger not only to themselves, but everyone else around them.
At least back in Massachusetts, they really mean it when they try to run you off the road.
But the worst part is this: they’re so freaking nice to you. They’ll wave to you and wish you a nice day, all the while completely ignorant of all the road rage they’ve generated.
So you actually feel bad about flipping them off.
I bring this up because most people are like Kentucky drivers in their relationships, be it workplace, family, or social. They really don’t mean to piss you off; most of the time, they’re not even aware that they’ve done wrong by you.
But unlike Kentucky drivers, they don’t turn off the road and disappear from your lives.
An example of this is my mom. Early in my life, she tended to swing from tender to easily irritable, and she was very controlling. When I was a teenager, I would often disagree with my mom. (We never fought, but that was mostly because I learned early on that I’d always lose. So instead I’d just sulk and go along very passive-aggressively.)
Later in life, I figured out that the reason she was that way was because of my dad. While physically present in the house, he tended to be checked out, and he had a difficult time showing affection to me and my brother. From a spiritual perspective, he abdicated his role as head of household, which Mom was forced to pick up. When it came to us as kids, mom became dad, because dad was absent.
Nevertheless the damage had been done. I ended up carrying a lot of resentment towards my mom for years and kept her at arm’s length distance.
It was when external circumstances forced to deal with my own shit that I was able to forgive her. I had to accept that she didn’t give me the affection I needed growing up, and that she never will, not completely. Old habits take a long time to break. (Believe me, I speak from personal experience.)
Nobody knows how many more years of life anyone has in the future. I’d rather accept my mom and her flaws for what they are, and make the most of my time with her while she’s still here. Waiting for her to change may be too late.
The most important thing about forgiveness is that you do it for yourself. It was only by forgiving my mom that I was able to shed a lot of emotional baggage that was holding me back in other parts of my life. I realized that not forgiving my mom was like me drinking poison, and expecting her to die.
One reason that people tend not to forgive others is the mistaken belief that forgiveness means not allowing justice to be served. This is far from the truth. It’s possible to both forgive someone and hold them accountable. The two are not mutually exclusive.
In fact, both should be pursued concurrently. For the sake of your sanity, though, it’s better to leave the pursuit of justice to a disinterested neutral party. Just because I forgive Louisville drivers for being dumb doesn’t excuse the Kentucky State Police from doing their jobs.
And just because you forgive someone doesn’t mean that you have to invite them back into your life. You leave the door open, but it’s up to the other person to walk through. Withholding forgiveness is locking the door shut and barring it up, making reconciliation impossible.
In the Jewish Torah, the book of Vayikra (Leviticus in the Christian Bible) specifies the details of a sacrifice known as the asham, or trespass offering. This sacrifice is made for one of two events: (1) when a person sins unintentionally (hello, KY driver), or (2) an act of misappropriation or denial of something rightfully due to another.
In the event of the latter, the offender was required to recompense the victim the value of the lost asset, plus an additional one-fifth, a total of 120 percent compensation. So in the process of reconciliation, the one who was wronged actually became a gainer as a result of the loss.
Therefore, forgive others as you have been forgiven. Not only do you detoxify yourself from your own resentment, you also open the door for Karma to pay you a 120 percent restoration.